


Sailing All Alone...

by Val_Brown



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Cutting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-20
Updated: 2010-09-21
Packaged: 2017-10-12 01:01:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/119067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Val_Brown/pseuds/Val_Brown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy's a cutter... he cuts himself when he is stressed... Adam walks in and catches him... Angry!protective Adam... Defensive!Vulnerable Tommy</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Was a prompt in the Glam Kink Meme on Live Journal.. I also posted under my Author name Valress over there...
> 
> Title from David Cook's song Bar-Ba-Sol
> 
>  
> 
> PLEASE,PLEASE,PLEASE... Don't link any of my writing to the people whose names I have used.
> 
> I do not own them... they own themselves... I only own the story that flowed from my brain and out my fingers.
> 
> Thank you

~~~~~

Finally he was alone… He felt it in the pit of his stomach, the ache, the pain. He had to do this, it was the only thing that made him feel good, when he saw the marks, the red line of blood, he felt at peace, like everything was alright.

All of the people, the fans, the parties, it was so much, much more than he ever thought, in such a short time. Less than a year ago he was just a guy, who answered phones during the day and played speed metal on the weekends, and now?? He was the second half of an imaginary couple, the bass player for a rapidly rising pop star, and he was so alone.

Looking down at the blade in his hand, he smiled. He had begged off going out with everyone, claiming he was tired. Now he sat alone, holding a razor thinking about the pain that will go away when he makes that first mark. Setting the blade on the table he pulled his hoodie off and tugged off the gloves he recently started wearing. Glancing down at the healing cuts, he ran a finger over one and smiled lightly, yeah he was going to feel so much better soon. Picking up the razor, he set it against the skin of his forearm in between his tattoos, and pressed down, the sharp pain making him tingle, the cool feeling of the blood running over his skin, taking all the pain away. So lost in the high, he didn’t hear the door open, or hear it slam shut.

“What the FUCK??”

Blinking rapidly, he grabbed the towel and pressed it over his arm. Looking up he saw a very angry Adam, striding across the room. “Adam… I… Umm, thought you were with everyone else.”

“I was, but I got worried about you… seems like I was right. What the fuck Tommy?? What’re you doing?” Adam asked as he pulled Tommy to his feet by the arm, ripping the towel off, getting his first look at the marks. Anger boiled to the surface, why was he doing this? Why would he hurt himself this way?

Pulling his arm out of Adam’s grip, Tommy turned and tucked his razor away. He couldn’t let Adam take it. “It’s nothing, Adam. Don’t worry about it… I can handle it.” Turning his back he grabbed the gauze and wrapped it around his arm, refusing to look at Adam. If he looked up at him, he knew what he would see, anger, maybe sadness, pity.

“Tommy, what do you mean it’s nothing?? You’re cutting yourself!!! That’s a big deal! What’s going on? Why?” Adam asked as he grabbed Tommy by the arms again, forcing him to stare at their feet. Grabbing Tommy’s chin, Adam forced him to look up in his eyes. “Don’t look away from me, I want answers Tommy”

“I…” Tommy said as he tried to twist out of Adam’s iron grip. How was he supposed to explain it? That when he cut himself it felt like all his pain and all the worry just drain away with the blood. Standing here with Adam looking at him like this, he needed to cut again, needed to make this bleed out. “I… Damn it Adam! Why do you make me feel?? I don’t want to feel anything!! Then you come along and make me feel everything!”

Blinking down at large brown eyes, Adam tried to comprehend what he was saying, He made him feel? What did that mean? How did he make him feel?? Why did he want to be numb in the first place? Making a decision he never thought he would, Adam put his hand out. “Give me your arm…”

Shaking his head, Tommy turned his arm away, but Adam was too fast. Grabbing him hard by the wrist, he pulled so he could get his free hand on the gauze wrapped around Tommy’s arm. Pulling it free, he saw it was still bleeding. “Explain this to me Tommy! Explain the cutting! Why?”

Shaking his head, Tommy tried to pull his arm away, squirming against the much stronger man. “Adam, let me go. I’m not…” Struggling, he shoved against Adam’s chest. This was his, he didn’t need anyone else to know. “Just… the stress. It makes it better.”

“Cutting? You’re cut yourself to relieve stress?? What the fuck??” Adam said as he looked down at Tommy’s still bleeding arm, swallowing, he ran a finger through the thin streak of blood. “You could really hurt yourself. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.”

“I’m not gonna hurt myself, Adam. I know what I’m doing, please let me go…” Tommy said softly as he watched Adam trace the cut, his finger sliding through the blood, slicking his skin, making his breath come in sharp bursts.

“What’s so stressful that you need to do this?” Adam asked as he watched his fingers trace through the blood, running over the scars he could see. He felt himself getting hard as he let his fingers slide over Tommy’s soft skin. He wanted, wanted to taste the salt of his skin, the gloss on his lips, fuck he even wanted to run his tongue over the slash on his arm, to taste him, all of him.

“Everything Adam, fuck a year ago I was just a regular guy. Now…” Tommy said as he waved his arm at the room. The sheer magnitude of everything was bearing down on him like a truck. The fact that one wrong move and he could fuck up the best thing that had ever happened to him, his hand twitched at the sudden urge to cut. “Adam, I need… please let me go”

“You’re going to cut aren’t you?” Adam accused as his hand snaked into Tommy’s pocket, yes he had seen the blonde slip the razor in his pocket, he wasn’t blind, pulling it out, he waved it in Tommy’s face. He saw the fear in Tommy’s eyes, blowing out a breath, he sat pulling the smaller man with him. Pushing his hair behind his ear, he turned Tommy’s face so he could look at him, slipping the blade into his hand. “Let me watch”

“You…but…” Tommy stared at the blade in his hand, the overwhelming need making him shake, but the thought of Adam watching made him hesitate. He felt Adam’s hand cover his, pushing it closer to unmarked skin, gasping he felt it make contact, glancing once at Adam he saw how intent he was, pulling lightly across his arm. Shuddering at the feeling of the blade cutting through his skin, he let his head fall back on Adam’s shoulder, his eyes closed as he breathed out, biting his bottom lip. “Fuck, Adam…”

Turning to look at the limp man in his arms, Adam let the blade fall to the floor, he dragged a finger over the cut. The warm blood smeared under his finger, he could feel it welling up in the cut, Tommy’s pulse beating steadily, his breathing short and slightly rapid. Reaching over to the table, he grabbed the roll of gauze, and quickly wrapped up both cuts. “Come on baby, gotta stand up.”

“Why?” Tommy asked as his words slurred. Never before had cutting felt like that, usually it was a quick release, but this… it was… different. Maybe it was because it was Adam, whatever it was the high from it was lasting longer, but there was something running under it, something that made his skin feel tight. He felt Adam tug at his shirt, getting him to lift his arms so he could pull it off. He fell limp against Adam’s solid chest, his body heat making Tommy shiver slightly and snuggle closer. He felt Adam put his hands on his hips.

“Come on baby, you gotta let me help you here. Then you can crawl in bed ok?” Adam said as he slid Tommy’s jeans over his hips and helped him step out of them and walk to the bed. Tucking the tiny body under the blankets, Adam bent and picked up the razor off the floor. Turning back he saw Tommy watching him through half closed eyes. “Are there anymore razors, Tommy?”

“No. Just that one.” Tommy whispered as he watched Adam slide it in his pocket. He felt the tears burn behind his eyes. A warm hand touched his cheek as he looked up.

“Tommy, promise me, when it gets too tough, come to me, ok? Don’t do this anymore” Adam said as he rubbed his thumb along Tommy’s cheek. Leaning into the hand, Tommy nodded softly. He wanted to feel like this all the time. “Alright, I’m going to my room ok? I am just next door, if you need me”

He turned over and burrowed in the blankets, closing his eyes he heard Adam turn off the light and go to his room.

~~~~~~

It seemed like hours later when Tommy groaned and rolled over. His arm throbbed, and his head was swimming. He slowly sat up and looked around the room, he could see his clothes on the chair, he looked down at his arm, the gauze stark white in the dark. Pressing his fingers over where he knew the cuts were, he moaned softly. Slipping out of the bed, he went over to his bag, he was lying when he told Adam that was the only razor. Reaching in his bag, he gasped and flipped the light on, dumping the bag on the floor. “What the…” Digging through the pile of clothes and cosmetics he didn’t hear the dividing door open.

“Looking for something?”

“Adam… I…” Tommy said as he sat on the bed, his head in his hands. He felt Adam sit next to him and slide an arm around his shoulders. He felt the smaller man start shaking as silent sobs wracked his body.

“Come on, you’re coming back to my room.” Adam said as he pulled him to his feet. Tucking him close to his side, they walked into his room. “Go on baby, get in my bed.”

“Are you gonna sleep with me?” Tommy asked softly as he crawled into the large bed, curling into the pillow he buried his face in it. It smelled like Adam, he got that feeling again, the one he got when he cut... He didn’t need to cut when Adam was around, “Please, Adam”

“Alright, scoot over” Adam said climbing in next to Tommy. Settling in, he felt Tommy crawl up next to him, toss a leg over his hips and tucked himself tight against his chest. Wrapping an arm over his shoulders, he pulled him in tight and pressed a kiss to his head. “Go to sleep baby, we will talk in the morning.”

Tommy sighed and closed his eyes, he found his new high… breathing in Adam’s scent, he felt light headed, his skin felt tight. Smiling, he felt himself drift off to sleep, stress nowhere to be found.


	2. Holding On To What, I Don't Wanna Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> traight from the GlamKinkMeme... Ok.. So this isn't EXACTLY like the prompt... but this is what flowed out of my fingers... I hope it's ok :)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Prompt---
> 
> Tommy's a cutter... he cuts himself when he is stressed... Adam walks in and catches him... Angry!protective Adam... Defensive!Vulnerable Tommy
> 
>  
> 
> This is a follow up... not sure if I will go further with it... let me know what you think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are nice... please

2 weeks, 3 days, 6 hours, 25 minutes, and 13 seconds

That is how long it has been since Tommy cut last. It seems like a lifetime and not long enough. As long as Adam is around he is fine, but the moment he leaves, the urge is on him strong, it is almost like he can hear the blade calling his name. So to not think about it, he decides to go out with Monte and LP. He knew Adam had something he was doing, so to take his mind off the fact that he would be alone for the night, he went out.

Probably not his best idea. That night he did good, the next morning he was fine, up until soundcheck. That was when he saw Adam for the first time since the evening before, he was wearing the same clothes… there was only one reason for that. Tommy swallowed hard, and looked down at his bass. His fingers stumbled on the frets, and he felt his knees shake. Setting it down just this side of too hard, he stumbled off, mumbling something about needing to go to the bathroom.

Getting to the bathroom, he shut the door and slammed the lock shut. He felt his chest heaving with every breath, his heart was pounding too hard in his chest, he felt the tears sliding down his cheeks. He wanted… no he needed Adam to tell him it was going to be okay, that he didn’t really need to cut himself to make the pain stop, but the real question was, why did it hurt so bad to know that Adam was out with others? It’s not like Adam was his, they’re just friends. Adam is his anchor, keeps him from cutting. Taking one more deep breath he pulled himself together, looked in the mirror, and splashed water on his face. Giving his reflection a small sad smile he dried himself off as best he could and opened the door to find Adam on the other side.

“Arms please, Tommy” Adam said as he reached for Tommy’s hands. Just nodding, Tommy pulled his sleeves up to his elbows and showed Adam his forearms.

“I did good Adam. I’m okay, promise.” Tommy said as Adam folded him into his arms. Resting his cheek against Adam’s warm chest, Tommy let all the pain melt away. Yeah, he could do this. He was going to do this, make Adam proud.

“Alright, let’s get back to soundcheck, huh?” Adam said as he kept an arm around Tommy’s shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to his temple, as they walked back. “I’m proud of you”

The concert went off without a hitch, everything was perfect, Adam was on fire, Tommy felt great, swinging his head around, watching Adam, smirking and winking at the audience, occasionally throwing kisses to them. He felt better than he had in a long time. Changing out of his stage clothes, he pulled his hoodie over his head and grabbed his phone, before heading out to meet the fans. He spent a good 45 minutes with the fans, before he heard Neil yelling at him to get his ass on the bus. Waving to the fans he climbed on the band bus and crawled in his bunk to crash out after checking his twitter. As soon as he opened the link sent to him he wished he hadn’t, it was a picture of Adam sitting on a couch, curled into the side of a guy, with his hand on his thigh. Closing the window, he tossed his phone to the foot of his bunk. Biting on the heel of his hand, he turned his face into his pillow, trying to stop the overwhelming need to cut. You shouldn’t be surprised, really. You convinced him you’re straight, what is he supposed to do? Be a monk? He’s an attractive man, of course he is going to seek out the company of others. He’s not your babysitter. Pulling his pillow over his face, he felt his tears soak the material, he refused to give in, he would not cut, he couldn’t.

~~~~~~~

Groaning, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Rolling over stiffly, he slowly opened his eyes and saw Adam.

“Morning sunshine.”

“Morning, Adam” Tommy said softly as he pulled his blanket tighter around his shoulders. He really didn’t want to get up, he was exhausted, mentally and emotionally. Fighting the urge to cut the pain out was more exhausting than he thought. He let his eyes slip closed again, he felt Adam run a hand through his hair.

“Are you okay, baby?” He asked softly as he leaned over Tommy, pressing a hand to his forehead. Worry etched all over his face.

“I’m fine Adam.” Tommy said as he looked up into worried blue eyes. Reaching a hand up he squeezed Adam’s arm. “I promise”

~~~~~~~

Two hours later, the tightness in his chest got worse. Running his palms over his thighs, he looked around at everyone, they were all laughing, and enjoying the day off. Chewing on his bottom lip, he tugged his sleeves over his hands, and picked at the seam of his jeans.

“Hey guys, I’m gonna head back to my room. I’m not feeling so hot.” Tommy said as he stood up. Looking at the worry on Adam’s face, he put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m fine. Just gonna crawl in bed”

“Alright, I’ll be over there in about an hour.” Adam said softly, so only Tommy heard. Nodding, Tommy turned and walked out the door. Getting to his room, he let the door click shut, turning he pulled his shirt over his head and let it fall to the floor. His hands clenched and unclenched, pacing the room, he felt the tension in his back, all the way up through his shoulders. The tears fell in a stream, he dropped to a crouch, letting his head fall forward, the images assaulted him, over and over. Adam leaning on that other guy, looking comfortable, at ease, they wouldn’t leave him alone. Tommy knew Adam had taken all the razor’s and hid them, crying he palmed the carpet, rubbing his hands over the rough texture. Anything to take the pain away, it wasn’t enough, he needed to make the pain go away, looking around the room, he saw it.

The images assaulted him, the look on Adam’s face, on the other guys face, the fact that Adam didn’t come back that night, he didn’t tell Tommy what he did. It was too much, a soft cry fell from his lips as he punched the mirror.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this…” Tommy said softly to no one as he picked up a piece of the broken glass, his hand shaking as he pressed it against his fore arm. Once, twice, three times he did it, each cut made the pain duller, the blood that flowed took his pain away, finally he slumped against the bed, his arm in his lap. What he didn’t realize was that Adam was there, he heard the soft sobs that fell from Tommy’s lips, the pain he was trying to cut away. Stepping further in to the room, he found Tommy slumped against the bed, his arm oozing, his jeans covered in blood.

“Tommy? Baby, talk to me! Come on, don’t you close your eyes!” Adam sobbed as he dropped to his knees, grabbing Tommy’s discarded hoodie and wrapped it around his arm, holding it tight. He felt the tears on his cheeks, how could he miss the pain Tommy was in? He thought he had been watching him, had a clue as to how he was feeling, apparently he had no idea. Pulling the tiny body into his lap, he sat in the middle of the floor and wondered how he could fix this.

Pulling the shirt off Tommy’s arm, he looked at the cuts. They were shallow, would heal in a day or so, just bled a lot. He felt Tommy shift in his lap, groaning against his chest. Letting the tears fall again, Adam shifted so he could look down into his eyes.

“Adam, I’m…” Tommy said as he looked up. Shaking his head, Tommy just stared down at his arm, which Adam was holding, he saw the stark red lines in his flesh, Adam’s fingers bracketing the marks. “I disappointed you”

“Tommy, look at me!” Turning sad brown eyes up, he saw brilliant blue staring back at him filled with… he wanted to think it was love, but settled with caring. Blinking, Tommy chewed on his lip, and looked back up. “Baby, you didn’t disappoint me, you scared me. I walked in and you were whispering about not being able to do this, and about me leaving you. Baby, what’s going on, please talk to me”

“Adam, I’m… I can’t stop this alone… when you went out… and stayed out all night, I… it hurts without you.” Tommy said softly as he pushed to his knees and went to his bag for clean pants. “I know you didn’t sign up for this, taking care of a mental case, I can have my stuff packed and be gone by the end of the week”

Watching Tommy walk into the bathroom, Adam was speechless, Tommy was right, he never expected this. But, he had found he didn’t want to be anywhere else. He realized his day revolved around making Tommy smile, hearing his laugh over everyone elses, feeling his hand touch Adam’s arm or back. He hadn’t realized it, but he was falling hard for the little blonde man, yes he had problems, but this was something they could work through, though Tommy may need more than just Adam to help him.

Standing up, he went towards the bathroom, when he heard a thump. Rushing to the door he threw it open and found Tommy lying in a ball near the shower. Rushing to his side, Adam rolled him over and pulled him till he was sitting up.

“Adam, I’m so tired.” Tommy slurred as his head rolled against Adam’s shoulder. Gathering him close, Adam stood up and stepped into the shower, turning the water on, washing the blood from his arms and where is bled through his jeans.

“Come on baby, can you stand up, just for a second so I can grab a towel?” Adam whispered as he set Tommy on his feet, keeping one hand on Tommy’s hip, he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist. Quickly Adam stripped out of his now wet clothes, and wrapped a towel around his waist. Sliding an arm around Tommy’s waist, he led him back to the room. “Come on, let’s get your sweats on and get you in the bed”

“Don’t leave me…” Tommy whispered softly as he let Adam slip his pants on him and tuck the blankets up and around his chest. Pulling his right arm out, Adam looked at the cuts and wrapped gauze around them. Holding his hand tight, Adam pressed a kiss to his palm, and stood up.

“I won’t. I’m gonna put on some pants and make a phone call ok?” Adam said as he grabbed his pants and phone. Ducking into the bathroom, he tapped lightly on his phone. “Monte… I need your help”

Sliding into the bed, he looked over at the tiny ball that was Tommy, curling around his back, he sighed. This was going to take a lot of work, a lot of talking and a lot of opening up for Tommy. He knew that Tommy would be mad, but if he was able to save him from permanent injury or even death, having a Mad Tommy was much better than not having him at all. Feeling Tommy’s hand slide over his, their fingers entwining together, Adam breathed out, and pulled him close. No matter what happens, as long as Tommy is okay in the end, it will be worth it


End file.
